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mother and her daughter were sitting in the family room one day, watching
a family channel when all of a sudden a porno scene pops up and then disappears.
The little girl asked her mother what the two people were doing and the mother replied, obviously shocked, "Oh, they're just baking cakes honey."

The next day the little girl goes to her mother in the kitchen and confesses that she saw mommy and daddy bake some cakes last night. The mother, again shocked, asked her daughter how she knew about that. Hence, the little girl replied "Because I Licked The Icing Off The Couch."

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Definition of ugly
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins"?
The woman says "No, he's 9 and she's 7.
Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up
frantically
and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a
woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane
who
is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

What have Amy Winehouse and a rampant rabbit got in common?.....THEY BOTH SNIFF DA CRACK!

A bloke asks his wife, " Why dont you tell me when you orgasm?" She says " I dont like ringing you while your at work!!".

"What's ten foot long and stinks of piss?".....A conga at an old folks home

I met a kinky girl last night. Sh e said "humiliate me". So I gave h er a tottenham shirt!

How do you make a blond laugh on Saturday?? A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!

Man donates blood 2 save his girlfriends life,Later they break up and he asks 4 the blood back.She throws a tampax at him and says i,ll pay u monthly''

man asks her wife "what would you do if I won the lottery" wife says " take half & leave" man says "here's a fiver now fuck off

Just for a laugh I typed 'twat' into the Satnav. put the kettle on, I've pulled up outside your house